Full Talk

Forgiveness and Letting Go

57 Minutes

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Many of us struggle with forgiveness because we think it means we are condoning the hurtful behaviour and we cannot do that. Nor should we.

I like to begin with what forgiveness is not.

Forgiveness is not ‘they did the best they could so just get on with it’. Forgiveness is not pretending or acting as if something doesn’t bother us when it does. Forgiveness is not making something okay that is/was not okay. And forgiveness is not ‘it’s over, it’s done, it’s the past and there’s nothing I can do about it so I’ve just ‘let it go’.

The truth must precede forgiveness. There can really be no true forgiveness as long as there is some kind of denial, minimization, or refusal to deal with the impact of the hurtful behaviour. And it is also important to remember that there is no peace or happiness without forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a practice. Very few of us get to a place where we have forgiven everyone all of the time. However, the Universe will bring us people and situations that will enable us to take stock of where we are on the forgiveness continuum. For inevitably, where we haven’t truly forgiven X will show up in our relationship with Y. Y will do something or say something reminiscent of what X did or said, or will trigger an emotional memory of what X did or said, and we will find ourselves in difficulty or in conflict in our relationship with Y.

Forgiveness is not about letting them off the hook. It is about letting ourselves off the hook — the hook meaning our attachment (by the hook) to what they did. Forgiveness is a stance — a declaration that I am not going to allow that experience to define me anymore.

Ultimately, forgiveness is the realization in our mind and heart that when that person did or said that unforgiveable thing, they were not in their right mind. Their mind was hijacked by fear and their behaviour became an insane manifestation of that fear. No one commits acts of violence — verbal, emotional, psychological, physical — from a place of love and peace.

“Forgiveness is for you — not the other person. It’s something you do inside yourself that you feel in your body and heart that releases you from your past and frees you to live life fully.”

— Barbara J. Hunt