LECTURE AND Q&A SERIES
Healing Mind & Heart
Untangle the Knots, Clear the Way
HIJACKED BY FEAR
There are really only two lenses through which we see, experience and respond to the world — the lens of fear and the lens of love. Fear takes many forms — anxiety, anger, resentment, judgment, and guilt. Love also takes many forms — kindness, compassion, acceptance, happiness, and peace. Most of us, most of the time, live in a mindset of fear. There is nothing inherently wrong with that. The world is anything but peaceful and there is plenty to be afraid of. But not only are we afraid of the world ‘out there’, we are also afraid of ideas we manufacture in our own minds — fear of loss, fear of rejection, fear of the unknown, fear of the loss of control, fear for our safety and security. Even fear of love.
Our fearful thinking is not neutral. It can cause us to go on the attack. Attack someone else (blame), attack the situation (this shouldn’t be happening), attack ourselves (it’s all my fault). Decisions and choices we make when in a fearful state of mind are not always in our best interests because our primary purpose is to get rid of the fear rather than look for long-term solutions to the challenges we are facing.
Once we are in a fearful state of mind, it can be very difficult to stop and to shift consciously into a more peaceful and loving state of mind. Our minds are literally hijacked by our fearful thinking. Our thoughts go round and round in closed loops and the fear feeds upon itself.
So what can we do? The first step is to become conscious of our fearful state of mind. The next steps involve looking directly at the fear and shining the light upon it because fear can only live in darkness. Fear leads to lovelessness and lovelessness is the darkness.
“Fear casts out love. And not only love. Fear also casts out intelligence, goodness, casts out all thoughts of beauty and truth.” — Aldous Huxley
FEELINGS ARE MESSENGERS
I have often heard clients say “I’m sad for no reason” or “I’m angry for no reason”. There is always a reason, although it may not be for the reason(s) we think.
Our feelings are a communication device and have important messages to give to us about the state of our minds and hearts. Feelings of happiness, peace and joy are messengers of well-being, although very few people consult me because they are experiencing too much happiness, peace and joy in their lives! We tend to seek help when we are captured by more troublesome and distressing feelings.
Our feelings can sometimes be hard to articulate. We may feel them as sensations in the body rather than as an identifiable emotion. Sometimes people claim not to feel anything at all, but even ‘numb’ can be a helpful messenger. Mild irritation may not seem like much, but it can disturb our peace of mind like a dripping faucet. That mild irritation may actually be the tip of an iceberg of intense rage. In some cases, certain feelings may be covering up other feelings. Anxiety may be masking unsung grief. Anger and rage may be masking fear, shame and powerlessness.
When we are experiencing out-of-proportion emotional reactions to events and circumstances, it is a sure sign that there are powerful feelings struggling to get our attention.
We ignore our feelings and their messages at our peril. They are usually attempting to advise us of an emotional or psychological wound that needs attention and healing. We cannot heal what we cannot or will not feel. Furthermore, the message is only likely to get louder and more disruptive until we take the time to pay attention. Let us not delay until the emotion becomes lodged in the body as chronic physical pain and distress.
“Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another” — Albert Einstein
RELATIONSHIPS ARE A MIRROR
We are often pretty clear about what you over there should be doing to make things better in our relationship. Maybe a little foggier about what our own role might be in things not going the way we want. The quality and content of our relationships have much to reveal to us if we stay focused on the question: What is this relationship here to teach me about ME?
Very few people live in a start of grace where they are at peace with everyone and everything. We all have unmet needs and unfinished business somewhere in our lives, from yesterday or yesteryear, and these will often show up in a relationship pattern. The same question applies: What is this pattern here to teach me about ME?
The ultimate purpose of a relationship is to smooth out our rough edges. To show us where we are not loving, where our hearts are closed, and where we are judgmental and conditional with our love. The ultimate purpose of a relationship is also to show us the pathway to opening our hearts, which usually involves a process of grieving, letting go and practicing forgiveness.
By the way, everything is a relationship. Not only do we have relationships with other people, we have a relationship with ourselves, with money, our pets, our homes, nature, our communities and so on. If we hold all of these relationships as a mirror, they will all have important information to reveal to us about ourselves.
“We do not see things as they are …we see things as WE are.” — Anaïs NinFORGIVENESS AND LETTING GO
Many of us struggle with forgiveness because we think it means we are condoning the hurtful behaviour and we cannot do that. Nor should we.
I like to begin with what forgiveness is not.
Forgiveness is not ‘they did the best they could so just get on with it’. Forgiveness is not pretending or acting as if something doesn’t bother us when it does. Forgiveness is not making something okay that is/was not okay. And forgiveness is not ‘it’s over, it’s done, it’s the past and there’s nothing I can do about it so I’ve just ‘let it go’.
The truth must precede forgiveness. There can really be no true forgiveness as long as there is some kind of denial, minimization, or refusal to deal with the impact of the hurtful behaviour. And it is also important to remember that there is no peace or happiness without forgiveness.
Forgiveness is a practice. Very few of us get to a place where we have forgiven everyone all of the time. However, the Universe will bring us people and situations that will enable us to take stock of where we are on the forgiveness continuum. For inevitably, where we haven’t truly forgiven X will show up in our relationship with Y. Y will do something or say something reminiscent of what X did or said, or will trigger an emotional memory of what X did or said, and we will find ourselves in difficulty or in conflict in our relationship with Y.
Forgiveness is not about letting them off the hook. It is about letting ourselves off the hook — the hook meaning our attachment (by the hook) to what they did. Forgiveness is a stance — a declaration that I am not going to allow that experience to define me anymore.
Ultimately, forgiveness is the realization in our mind and heart that when that person did or said that unforgiveable thing, they were not in their right mind. Their mind was hijacked by fear and their behaviour became an insane manifestation of that fear. No one commits acts of violence — verbal, emotional, psychological, physical — from a place of love and peace.
“Forgiveness is for you — not the other person. It’s something you do inside yourself that you feel in your body and heart that releases you from your past and frees you to live life fully.”
— Barbara J. Hunt
ON HAPPINESS
True happiness is a neuro-psychological state of peace and well-being. It is not a big smiley face or faux positivity in the face of adversity. True happiness does not preclude feeling so-called ‘negative’ emotions such as sadness, anger, fear or hurt. Rather, it means knowing that these feelings are transient, if we take care of them, and that they cannot rock our underlying sense of peace and well-being.
Each of us has a happiness ‘set point’ — a combination genetic and learned tendency to remain at a certain level of happiness no matter what happens in our lives. Research suggests that about 50% of our happiness set point is genetic and about 50% is learned, that is, determined by our thoughts, feelings and beliefs formed in response to our life experiences.
There may not be much we can do about the genetic aspect of our happiness set point. But we can definitely increase our happiness in the realm of our learned responses to life’s events and challenges. People with high happiness set points have certain habits, not special powers. The key is to cultivate happiness enhancing habits and let go of happiness robbing ones.
There is an abundant and growing body of scientific research and research-tested techniques for fostering happiness within ourselves and the people around us. As a “Happy for No Reason” Certified Trainer, I particularly like the Building Your Home For Happiness model.
Just as the stability of any home depends on the strength and integrity of its foundation, so it is with our happiness and our ability to weather life’s storms. Taking full responsibility for our happiness is essential. This means accepting that being happy is up to us and is not wholly dependent upon external circumstances. It means getting really serious about the idea that everything happens for a reason. It’s often our interpretation of an event or situation — the meaning we ascribe to it — that causes a good deal of our distress. Learning to shift our interpretation from ‘this is a total disaster’ to ‘this is an opportunity for me to learn something important and grow’ helps lift us up to find the deeper meaning in the situation and then respond to it in a way that supports our happiness and well-being.
“You can’t wait until life isn’t hard anymore before you decide to be happy” — Jane ‘Nightbirde’ Marczewski
ÉGLISE HISTORIQUE DE BARACHOIS
1350 Route 133, Grand Barachois, NB
Admission: Free
Information: 506-962-0749
ÉGLISE HISTORIQUE DE BARACHOIS
1350 Route 133, Grand Barachois, NB
Admission: Free
Information: 506-962-0749
Caroline is warm, approachable and relatable as she shares information woven through her years of experience with clients and her own personal healing journey. She connects deeply with people and reaches them where they are. The people in her audience connect with each other in Caroline’s presence because of what she is talking about. We are deeply moved by what Caroline is saying and also excited by the possibility of healing and moving forward.
Sylvia Aisenstadt
New York, USA
Caroline speaks from her heart into the heart of her listeners. She is able to share deeply personal stories with valuable insights in a way that connects and engages her audience.
Patty Johnson
Chicago, IL, USA
Caroline gathers her years of experience as a therapist to help us focus on specific types of healing. I attended her talk on Forgiveness and Letting Go and it reached into my soul with grace and moved me towards a deeper understanding.
Susan H.
Orinda, CA, USA
Go hear Caroline speak if you have never attended her talks. She makes sense of what is often difficult.
Phyllis Murray
Moncton, NB, Canada
Should you have the opportunity to hear Caroline Kohn speak, you will be treated to a thought-provoking presentation. Caroline's knowledge and education as a counsellor, along with her life experiences that she shares, will leave you in a place of serenity and acceptance.